Good Mom.

sometimes i wonder if i’m a good mom. i should actually have said, sometimes i convince myself i’m a terrible mom. it’s not something that i beat myself up over (yes i do), but rather a general feeling that i’m just not doing enough.
my sister likes to say “when you think you’re not doing enough, remember this moment” when i’m venting something that i would otherwise just hold inside until i burst. stupid things. i mean REALLY stupid things. the purpose behind this post, is to tell you about one specific stupid thing.
i made a chili in the slow cooker, which is my favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite favorite thing. i cooked it for a whole day, so that we could all enjoy it the next night for dinner. at dinner time, we were serving the chili. there was enough for everyone to have a bowl, with one bowl extra for Matt’s lunch the following day (leftovers are the best lunch, and you don’t have to buy anything additional, so please don’t suggest that it should be any other way).
my son immediately poured hot sauce on his, because he likes things spicy, and has always been this way. many times, we have caught him drinking hot sauce out of the bottle, or just licking spices out of the palm of his hand. that’s his thing, far be it for me to take it away from him.
unfortunately, he didn’t realize there was fuzzy white mold in the top of the bottle (we have a billion hot sauces, so some of them sit around awhile) and it all ended up in his bowl of chili.
i’m the kind of mother who will never ever watch their child go without dinner. if they don’t wake up in time for breakfast, that’s their problem. if they are too self-absorbed to skip lunch, that’s their choice. but dinner is mandatory. i don’t let them go to bed hungry. so, of course, i gave my son my bowl of chili, meaning i would go without.
without. without tasting that delicious chili i had spent so much time perfecting. without getting full off the rich sauce and spicy proteins. without farting right alongside the rest of my family all evening.
i didn’t think twice about this, you see, because it’s not natural for me to think about myself before my kids. but i did get mad at my son for wasting food, by not paying attention to what he was putting into it.
i may have yelled.
i may have made him feel bad.
but i wasn’t mean.
and i ate ramen (insert disgusted emoji). normally, i would say “yay, ramen” but this was the crap from the package. so no, no “yay, ramen” today. if you’re wondering, it was just as vile as you think it was. probably more.
and later, i felt like a dick for making him feel bad. was there a lesson to be learned there? i mean, what are the chances that there will be mold in the hot sauce? probably not very high. it was an oversight. it was an action he normally takes, only this time, he got different results. was he at fault? i would say no. but he should pay attention. i could have been nicer.
i was really just mad about the chili. i wanted that chili. but not enough to make him eat the ramen. that would have sent me over the edge, because then i would have been obsessing over the sodium and lack of nutrients, and the chili would rot in the pit of guilt in my stomach.
this entire weird interaction took place in a matter of seconds, and i beat myself up about it all night. what is wrong with me???